Be a Man
Digging up old stuff is fun. I actually can't bring myself to watch this video anymore, for numerous reasons, but in reading the poem, I found it to be a healthy reminder of how far I come since my near-suicide. This was the second or third week of full-lockdown in 2020. 20 fucking 20. Big thank you to Matthew Corozine for pushing me to explore writing more poetry.
Video below. Enjoy.
Being a man
That’s open to interpretation, a term, a myth
That has taken on a different meaning
Through many chapters in my life
When I graduated High School, 9/11 happened
When I moved to Manhattan, Sandy happened
When moved in with my girl, Covid happened
My big move landmark life moments
Are coupled with National Emergency
It reminds me that my actions have consequences
I looked up to some stupid men when I was a kid
They loved to teach me
About what it is to be a man
Guns, fighting, amendments, America, drinking, swearing, womanizing, hockey, fucking, spitting, bleeding, catcalling, working, dirty hands, combativeness, ball busting, ball scratching, burping, belching, booing, barbecuing, balling, brawling, bowling, farting (okay I do enjoy that), porno, steak, hunting, golfing, kneeling at the cross, standing for the flag, not talking about feelings, not backing down, not taking shit, not touching another man’s radio, taking life by the balls, grabbing her by the pussy…
I swear to God, whenever I think I know what it is to be a man
I am proven wrong
By myself
When I learned that I was appealing to women
I became an inconsiderate fuckboy
When I learned sticking up for myself felt great
I became an explosive bully
When I called the suicide hotline…
I became a man
I surrendered
I hung up the jersey
Of the life I spent
Blaming myself for being punished
For not living up to those standards
I shared
I listened
I was saved
I am alive
I take myself on dates. I order dessert. I draw. I play poker. I cook. I sing. I dance. I root for the fucking Mets. I teach. I lead. I inspire. I decorate my apartment. I ask for space. I cry. I still fart. I journal every day. I don’t feel guilty after I masturbate. I wake up every morning. I wake up every morning. I wake up every morning.... and I am grateful for the sights and sounds and smells that surround me.
In a time where we fear shortness of breath
I am grateful I didn’t squeeze out my own
Asking for help
Was the manliest thing I ever did
https://www.instagram.com/chrisrussellnyc/tv/B-f7RqKJ-Li/?utm_medium=copy_link